White Requiem of Suffering
by Immortal x Snow
Summary: Why is white white? Why must happiness become suffering? To suffer is to merit; therefore, I'll always keep going and smiling. That way, I can always hope. I can always live while waiting for you to live, too. Shion x Satoshi oneshot.


**For XxXChiharu-Chan-1000-SpringsXx. Love ya! XD**

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White.

The color of new beginnings. The hue of innocence and naivete, of birth and purity. Of weddings, of... Of anything but walls of death like these.

Why are hospital walls painted white, anyway? What is the purpose of such a color scheme? Is it to console those who are watching their loved ones pass away from a physical world of life to something - whatever it is - that awaits them after death? Perhaps, too, white is the angelic color, and there are people who believe that their loved ones become angels after death.

Uncertainty is my own perspective. On one side, it is nice to have a comforting color surrounding the morbid space; on the other, it is the converse, and it is torture to see a color that is supposed to be a hallmark of new life, of reincarnation, twisted into something that symbolized suffering.

However, suffering may not be the proper word. I know that Satoshi-kun doesn't suffer in his coma - he was placed in such a state to keep him from suffering. And death isn't apropos, either, because... I hang onto the hope that he isn't going to die, that he will be all right.

What is white, then?

Emptiness.

Lowering my eyes to the page and managing to take them away from Satoshi-kun, I continue reading from the book I decided to read to him today.

"'I continued through the quiet forest, walking past the small bubbling brook that danced at my feet like a little ballerina...'" I whisper, watching Satoshi-kun every so often, as though I really do believe that he will awaken any moment. Any second now. I've always been awaiting the moment when I can see his eyes once more, smiling at me... For the moment when he can pat my head again, and when he and Satoko can finally be reunited. Everything will fall into place then...

Feeling tears well up in my eyes, I brush them away; force myself to smile at Satoshi-kun again; and continue reading the piece of descriptive prose.

"'I kept going in the hope of one day finding that person I had lost, to...'" I feel my throat close up as I realize the symbolism, and force myself to continue. "'Always waiting... Always... I wanted to find him, no matter how far I had to go, how much suffering I had to endure, no matter what I had to do to reach him again and see his smi... His smile...'"

I allow one small tear to slip down my cheek once I see the irony of the book as compared to my own situation. Dragging my hand across my eyes, I shake my head.

"Satoshi-kun, I promised that I wouldn't cry," I murmur, forcing a smile. "I won't cry until the day I see you awaken and smile at me... And pat my head again..."

Brave for Satoko I have to be. To keep myself hopeful is to remain smiling, and I can't cry, because I know that she will follow suit.

"Maybe I should have brought a different book," I remark, laughing a fake laugh. "How silly of me not to realize this..."

And when I look up from the page again, there is the silent white watching us: a comatose boy and a girl trying to prevent herself from falling apart. If colors had consciousnesses, I wonder what this white would think of us, so seemingly mismatched and broken. Would it laugh? Or would it, the apparently angelic color, want to heal us and hold us together? To repair and juxtapose the broken fragments? Because who is it to say that there is nothing left, that there is no hope? As long as I can smile, there will always be hope.

In a situation such as this, to suffer is to merit; nothing is achievable without pain. And I am willing to undergo affliction and torturous trial like none other in order to get him back.

With renewed strength and courage to survive another visit without breaking down, I read again.

"'Locked away though he be, the difficulty of finding him does not dissuade me, because I know that he has to be there somewhere, just waiting for me to find him...'"

Satoshi-kun is there. And I won't lose him, because I know that somewhere, there has to be a world where we can be happy together, with Satoko; I have to keep fighting for that world. Because if I don't, who will? Desire and action are inexorably linked; if I want something, then I know that I have to give up never, to try always for it, never forgetting what I am fighting for. No matter how far away that world is, I know that I can create a miracle, and my heart will continue as long as I still possess the willpower to make it so.

"'Lost in the forest though I be, I continue to run after him, feeling the warmth of the meadow set in, even though I cannot slow down to enjoy it...'"

Everyone can be happy now that strife is over. Every day, I watch Onee and Kei-chan together, and something seems to surround them that I cannot entirely describe; yet, I know what it is. She and I both recognize it and know it well. They are all happy, able to drink in the essence of the meadow we thought unreachable; I am the one left behind to gather the pieces, praying that it is possible to assemble them once more. Left with a broken world am I; left with a whole world are they.

Then again, this is what I have to undergo to receive my world. To fulfill everything, to gain my entire happiness. And it is within my reach, out there somewhere... Because believing is not impossible.

"'Sometimes they worry about me constantly running after him; however, their concerns are not mine to bear...'"

Worry. Sometimes it is all I feel when I talk to Onee. Knowing that she worries is sometimes painful in itself; as twins, we share pain. We both know it, even though we may not converse about it. Satoko, too, can see it occasionally, when I feel as though I can no longer contain myself or keep up this facade of strength and fortitude.

But these concerns cannot prevent me from doing what I must to.

Scanning the remainder of the book and looking up at the clock, I, sighing, see that it is nearly time for me to leave. Perchance I shall just read to the rest of this page before leaving... And I can always continue - or probably just bring a different, less painful book - during my next visit.

"'And as the sunlight peers through the tops of the trees, it is as though he comes closer to me, even though he does not turn around. Nothing can stop or block me from reaching him now, as I find my way down our sacred, often-traversed path, upon which many summer memories were formed... And when I trip over a rut in the rocky ground and fall, I find that I am in our special grotto, and he is there, eyes smiling, face radiating light, and his mouth forming my name.'"

The faintest and palest of sounds makes my hands tremble as I look up from the book and gaze around me, wondering who has called my name. No one else is in the room, other than...

A loud crash resounds through the room as the heavy book slips from my hands and I stand up so swiftly that my chair falls over, also crashing vociferously to the floor.

"Shi..."

The tears come. Stinging, my eyes close a few times as I let the tears fall unheeded. There is no need to suffer any longer. There is no need to prevent the tears from slipping out any longer.

Because there, his face radiates luminosity, and his mouth forms my name.

"Shion..."

Shaking like this... It is something I've never done so much... I cannot keep my hands from quivering as the white seems to glow brightly, no longer appearing morbid.

"Satoshi...-kun..."

Choking, I sink to the floor and cover my face with my hands, not knowing what to do other than cry. Especially when I feel his hand on my head, affectionately ruffling my hair.

"Shion... Why are you here? And why are you crying?"

"I-I'm crying... Because I don't know what else to do..."

Placing my hand over his, I press it, still cold but now full of life and hope, to my face.

Because it's finally over. And I have every reason to still hope - for the future that certainly awaits us now.


End file.
